Back to Work

I have been back at work now for a few weeks and wanted to update everyone on how it's been going. We are doing a nanny-share with one of my co-workers. Basically, we share a nanny, Junu, so that she watches both of our little ones and we split the cost. She has used Junu for over a year and been very happy. You can also tell their little girl, Caroline, is very attached to Junu. Caroline is 15-months-old and Nate is very interested in her. They seem to have fun together. Junu is from India and has been a nanny for the last 25 years. She has tons of experience and is very sweet. It is a little more expensive than we were originally planning on spending, but she is worth it. I feel comfortable that she will take good care of Nate even on his rough days. My co-worker's house is also only about 5 minutes from my job so I can stop by sometimes on my lunch or if I have a canceled visit to nurse Nate instead of pumping- much better option. I'm working three days a week so I still get two days home with my little guy plus school holidays (the last two weeks were two-day weeks for me because of Rosh Hashana and Election Day). I know I have it pretty good wen compared to a lot of new moms.

That said, I hate leaving Nate. I wish money wasn't an issue and I could stay home with him all the time. I miss him like crazy when I am at work and it feels wrong in a way to be playing with other people's babies when I wish I was playing with mine. I also hate pumping and find it discouraging since I never pump as much as Nate eats. There is always a stress to pump more since I'm worried he won't have enough milk.

I am perfectly capable of disliking that I have to work, and accepting that that is what has to be right now, though. I appreciate the time I have with Nate, it just doesn't stop me from being greedy for more. It hurts leaving him every morning, especially since he often cries and reaches for me when I pass him off. It makes it bearable that Junu adores him and is very kind and that my day is super busy so the time goes by quickly. People say it gets easier, but I don't know about that. I'm not crying when I leave him now, but I still miss him and wish I were with him. And no matter how awesome Junu is, she is not Nate's Mommy, and Mommy is best (if I do say so myself).